Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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