Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
