So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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