i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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