hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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