I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
