In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
