If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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