meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
