You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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