i love accidental penises.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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