So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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