Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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