thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
