Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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