I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
