I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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