were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
