Whod you bang
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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