you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
