You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
