If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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