you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
