I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
