In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
