sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
