Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
