He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
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Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.