I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
