I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
