At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm at about main and main street
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.