i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I checked into jail on foursquare
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
