i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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