She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
