Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm passing your future prison.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
