here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
