Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
