If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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