I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
