My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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