a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
