dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We left an ass print on the piano.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
