Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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