Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
