Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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