You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
