Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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