god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
