Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Randomize
