I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
