Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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