I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
