remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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