Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
