I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
