Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
